My job is really important to me. I've worked for my company for ten years and until recently, I'd always been a top performer. I've always been willing to do whatever it takes to be successful at my work. But now, with the V's, my priorities have shifted. I leave the office at 5:00 (at the latest) and there are always at least seven or eight important tasks left incomplete. I feel incredibly guilty about this. At first, I would just allow these tasks to pile up and then deal with all of them over the weekend. But now I have discovered that I can keep it under control by working after the kids go to bed. Even so, I just can't keep up. I don't read the "interesting articles" that people send me. I don't read our weekly newsletter, which often has really important information in there. I'm not timely in my responses to people. Often, by the time I get around to handling a request, the person has already gotten it taken care of somewhere else. This might seem like a good thing- but not to me. To me, I feel like I am becoming someone that people don't feel they can count on. This is not me, and I am uncomfortable with it.
At the same time, I feel guilty about the amount of time I spend with the V's. My heart hurts when I leave them at daycare and Tino clings to my leg and cries. I feel that the time I do spend with them primarily consists of feeding them, dressing them, and getting them ready for bed. There is no play time or relaxation time. We are on a schedule, and I must stick to it if I am to have any hope of getting quality time with my husband. And that's another thing. I don't get any quality time with my husband. We used to enjoy taking walks together, watching a pre-recorded TV show on the DVR, or going out to a restaurant together. Now I fall asleep if we try to watch a show. I can't go for a walk with him, because someone has to stay at home with the kids. We don't bother dining out because it's not really that much fun with two toddlers. So I am grateful that Dave is a patient person. I am sure this will get better, or I will get better at it, but I don't know how long it will take, and he has been incredibly understanding.
I feel guilty that I'm not giving as much to my job. I feel guilty that I'm not giving as much to my kids. I feel guilty that I'm not spending time with my husband. I feel guilty about blogging right now when I could be hanging out with Dave. And I want sleep. I badly want sleep.
Advice?
Wish I had advice...since I haven't been there, done that (yet) I don't have any...but hoping things get better for you soon! Honestly, what you're going through is one of my biggest fears about parenthood. I'll be thinking of you and anxious to hear what others say.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Tara! Hope to see you soon.
welcome to motherhood!!! It gets easier I promise, it has been just a little over a year and things are finally getting normal
ReplyDeleteI was a kid who had to go visit my dad and he'd try to make "plans" and do "fun stuff," and I realized later that I don't believe in "quality time." I think "quantity time" is what it takes to get to know your kids and have them know you love them and that you'll always be there for them. And that quantity time takes time, as in, day in, day out. It's the dinner times, the picking out which clothes to wear, the helping with the homework, the doing of the chores together, the talking about what things mean, the formation of the decision-making process, the enforcement of rules, the tucking in and scratching of backs. It's the months and years that you're instinctively going to provide, because you're you. You're ALREADY doing all the things they'll need to be balanced adults.
ReplyDeleteAs a non-child-having person, I admit that maybe this next part is easy for me to say, but, here's what wiki says: "Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation."
It seems to me that you are taking care of your kids, you're putting in your time at work, and doing your best in your marriage. What do you have to feel guilty for? Your employer pays you for your time, but do they pay you to agonize over what you couldn't get, as an efficient, intelligent, and ethical adult, done during your working hours? You did all you could while you were there- do they pay you to grind your teeth and hunch over emails at night, too? No, they don't. :-D You're giving it away for free, and they are taking advantage of it.
Hey, you asked for advice. ;-) This is Laura, by the way.
Right now you are still in transition. It takes awhile to get back into the groove when you've experienced an upheaval - you won't feel like you've got everything covered for many months. It's a two steps forward, one step back process. If both kids are 18 and you're still feeling like a slacker, then worry.
ReplyDeleteYou also have an entirely new set of priorities. You, absolutely, cannot be the same the employee you were before the V's were placed with you. If your husband got sick, he was able to care for himself (at least theoretically), if you missed dinner, he would not starve. He could be trusted at home alone. The V's can do none of these things - you must be there. If your employer doesn't realize this, they're nuts. And probably constantly scrambling for good employees.More than likely you were, in fact, covering for others in the office with small children who could not put for the time a child-less person could. It's now your turn to cash-in on that social contract and let them pick up some slack for you.
Schedule a regular "date night" with your husband - make it sacrosanct. It might be monthly, but it will make a difference. Do not feel guilty about leaving the V's with someone you trust. Your marriage is just as important for them as it is for you.
Tara, your previous entries are full of anticipation and longing for children, and finally, fulfillment! You wrote about not being cut out for stay-at-home parenting, and now you are expressing guilt about your job and your husband. How close these are to your heart! Would it help you to know that I have never met a mother who thought she was devoting enough time to her children?
ReplyDeleteI once expressed to my mom that my New Year's Resolution 2010 was to quit my job and stay at home with my kids. My youngest is 4 and soon she will be starting a 12-year academic career, I cannot stand that the days of hanging out together will come to an end next year. I feel most guilty about not staying home with her since day 90 (when maternity leave ended).
My mom gave me an unexpected answer, the more time you spend with the kids, the more time they will want, it is all-consuming, never-ending.
I think my mom was trying to dissuade me, and her comment was accurate, but I want to spend more time with my kids, too. The feeling is mutual!
Tara, when you said you were not cut out to be a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom), you were so WRONG! Reading between the lines, I observed that you want adult interaction! Work is not the only place to get that. I was a SAHM for the first 10 months of my oldest daughter's life, it was blissful. Then I started working nights so I could be with her during the day. I got lots of adult interaction with other moms from the Moms Club, lots of meetings at the park, at the pool, at the play area at the mall during the summertime.
Imagine talking about your kids to other adults and neither of you gets tired of it! Imagine watching your kids interact, play, witnessing their social behavior, correcting and guiding your kids.
Imagine going to the zoo, museums, library, free shows for kids, dance class, karate.
The more time I spend with my kids, the better behaved they are, and I am better behaved, too!
In case no one else has already said it, consider it, consider finding a way to be a SAHM.
Dearest,
ReplyDeleteLife is full of all these lovely little decisions. When things are not working, you can choose to do something differently. Aside from adding time to the day, which I plead for regularly to no avail, think of things that will make your life easier and make them a reality. Do the kids love their daycare? If not, find another options. Maybe a nanny would be better. What about at work? Are you using the people you have? Are you giving team members opportunities to take on enough things? Who can you groom to be your second in command? Can you listen more instead of giving solutions? Your marriage is a point of strength and restoration. Of course Dave is being patient because you are in this as equal partners. Have you divided the chores and the family rituals (bath time, dinner) evenly? If you see opportunities, get even more help from him or decide what you can you do differently. If you are making dinner 3 nights a week then what can you do to make that easier? Make lasagna on the weekend, or use the crock pot to cook beans during the day, or have someone deliver healthy meals twice a week. Maybe you want a part time nanny - someone who comes two days a week to be with the kids and to to light housework and cook dinner...
I know you hold yourself to the highest standards, but remember to be kind to yourself too. Celebrate yourself (take a walk around your big backyard with your husband instead of a walk around the block, take a hot bath, go get that pedicure!) because I know you are a dedicated and rich parent, wife, boss and team member and each of these roles STRENGTHENS you and makes you BETTER in the other areas. Xoxoxo - MFB