The Back Story

I've been meaning to write this for quite some time now but never really had the energy to dredge up all this ancient history or the time. Dave is always kicking me off the computer because, well... it's his computer... and he needs it for work, you know, generating income for our family... silly stuff like that- not the really important stuff like blogging. But as I write, Dave is out on the canal running 16 miles. Yes, that's right, he's training for another marathon again- this time in Tulsa, Oklahoma the weekend before Thanksgiving. Why Tulsa? Why not, I ask you?

So... let's get on with it here. I know that people are curious and have inquired, have you tried this, that, or the other, in the quest for building a family... And the answer is YES. I have either tried it, considered and rejected it, or am in the process of doing it ALL.

It started in September of 2005, about a year after Dave and I got married. I was 33 years old. We decided we were ready to build a family and for the first time in my adult life, I intentionally went off birth control. I consulted with my gynecologist and he instructed me in the art of peeing on a stick. For those who don't know, your body produces a hormone called LH (luteinizing hormone) just before ovulation. Ovulation occurs somewhere between day 11 and day 18 of a woman's menstrual cycle. So for about $12, you can buy an ovulation testing kit which comes with 7 sticks. Starting on day 11, you pee on one stick per day until you get a positive result. Very similar to a pregnancy test result, the two lines in the window instead of just one. The positive result indicates the presence of the LH, which means that you will ovulate within the next 36 hours. Thus, it is critical to engage in sexual intercourse THAT VERY DAY. as well as the next day. This is not always convenient, or conducive to marital harmony, particularly if your husband regularly trains for marathons, and is often physically exhausted by 8:00 p.m... but nevertheless the deed must be performed and it is critical to let your partner know that TODAY IS O-DAY! Be ready! Then you begin the two week wait, during which time you must not indulge in a glass of wine, consume caffeine, enter a hot tub, or engage in any activity which could endanger your theoretical unborn fetus... because, after all, you could be pregnant.

So for the next three years, I faithfully peed on sticks each month and learned that my body is like the atomic clock- regularity would be a mild way of putting it. I always got the positive result on day 12. Eventually I learned to recognize the other signs of ovulation, which I won't enumerate here- you can Google this if you are interested. Suffice it to say, your body tells you when THAT TIME of the month. At first, this process was exciting. Getting the positive pee test was almost as thrilling as learning that I was actually pregnant. Getting my period the first few times was actually quite shocking. (What? I'm not pregnant? But we had sex on the day I ovulated!) After years of trying NOT to get pregnant, I was certain that the absence of birth control would result in pregnancy immediately. Every month, I mentally planned the really fun and interesting way that I would surprise Dave with the happy news. Valentines Day? Perhaps a special gift, all boxed in bright red paper, which he would open and find a baby backpack with a little note about how I was looking forward to a lifetime of loving him and he would be the father I had always dreamed of for my child. Days of the month were meaningless- it was all about the days of my cycle. That was surprisingly regular as well. Ovulation test turned pink on day 12, I got my period on day 24. Like clockwork. On the few occasions when I hadn't gotten my period by the evening of day 24, I was certain that I was pregnant. I would pee on a different, more expensive, kind of stick- pregnancy tests come in a 2-pack and run about $12- $15 each. The disappointment of the negative result would be coupled with resentment for the money I was wasting.

Every day, and I mean every single blasted day, was a constant mental game...

Today is day 7, only 5 more days until ovulation, let's see, it's Tuesday now, that means O-Day is Sunday, that should work out well, maybe we can have sex early in the afternoon and get it over with...

Today is day 12, it's O-Day, let's see, what do I have going on today, how can I fit sexual intercourse into my schedule...

Today is day 15, my friends want to go to happy hour, should I go? I can't drink, because I might be pregnant. What kind of non-alcoholic beverage can I order that won't raise suspicion? I'll just tell them I'm really tired this time and alcohol makes me even more tired, yeah, that's a good one...

Today is day 22, only two days until I find out if I'm pregnant...

Today is day 24, it's noon and I haven't gotten my period yet, maybe I'm pregnant! I felt a twitch in my abdomen! Maybe it's a sign of pregnancy. Maybe it means I'm getting my period. Maybe I should go to the bathroom and check again...

Today is day 25, I had some spotting yesterday, but it was really light. Maybe that's not my period. Maybe it was implantation spotting. Oh, my breast feels a tiny bit sore. Isn't that a sign of pregnancy? I'm going to go online and read up on early pregnancy symptoms again. This could be it. I should pee on a stick. But I don't want to waste another $12. I should wait. If I haven't truly started bleeding by tomorrow, I'll pee on a stick in the morning. Okay, I can't wait. I'm going to pee on the stick now. What's $12 anyway? $12 is nothing! Okay, that's a negative result. But maybe it's wrong. These tests aren't infallible. I'm going to go online now and read up on false negatives on pregnancy tests....

Today is day 1. It's definitely a period. Okay, we'll try again this cycle... let's see here, O-Day will fall on a Monday this time...

After about nine months of this, I paid another visit to my gynecologist, Dr. A. I told him we weren't having any luck and he said that I shouldn't be concerned because it hadn't even been a year yet. 95% of couples get pregnant within a year of trying. But he did say that it couldn't hurt to get one simple procedure done, just to ensure that my fallopian tubes are clear. (These are the tubes through which the little eggs travel to meet the sperm on their way to the uterus- not a good thing if the tunnels are blocked and the eggs can't get through. The procedure is called a hysterosalpingogram and is fairly straightforward. The doctor pushes dye through the vagina into the uterus and watches it on an ultrasound monitor as the dye flows through the uterus, into the fallopian tubes, and out the other side by the ovaries. If there is blockage, this procedure will detect it. Dr. A referred me to Dr. Z, a fertility specialist. Yes, I truly have tried everything from A to Z.

I liked Dr. Z immediately. He has a good bedside manner and seems very committed to his work. The procedure revealed that there is absolutely nothing wrong with my fallopian tubes. He did seem concerned about the length of my cycle- he said that 24 days is kind of short and maybe my uterus was not developing a thick enough lining for the embryo to implant and flourish. He recommended progesterone suppositories to be taken daily from O-day through the end of my cycle. I did this for about a year. It did lengthen my cycle but still did not result in a pregnancy. We also had Dave go ahead and get tested to make sure there was nothing abnormal happening on his side. All results were perfectly healthy. We figured, and were assured by Drs A and Z, that it just takes longer for some people than others.

In the fall of 2007, after 2 years of "trying" and pretending we weren't trying (I just felt there is something intensely personal about building a family and didn't feel compelled to chronicle the blow by blow account for everyone I vaguely know. As you can see, I'm over this now...) we decided to take our efforts to the next level. We went back to Dr. Z, who performed other tests, including blood work, more ultrasounds, and a variety of things that indicated everything is perfectly normal. He suggested 3 options- continue trying the old-fashioned way, attempt artificial insemination with Clomid (increases your odds of getting pregnant by 3-4%) or go straight to in-vitro fertilization, which would give us about a 40% chance of getting pregnant. I had a friend who had successfully gotten pregnant with twins through IVF, and there was "nothing wrong" with us, so we decided this would be our best option.

Then ensued weeks of carefully timed self-injections, a battery of hormones, every other day trips to Dr. Z for ultrasounds, and finally the trigger shot which tells your body to ovulate, followed by an "operation" to extract the eggs (called a "retrieval") and then three days later the "transfer" (putting the fertilized eggs back in.) Then the dreaded 2-week wait. Just like every other TWW for the past two years, but with so much more at stake this time.

Finally the day arrived. Monday, October 8, 2007. I went in to see Dr. Z at 7:00 am to get my blood drawn. He would call me later that day to tell me the results. I still remember when the phone rang. I answered and said, "Can you please hold for a minute?" and rushed outside. I didn't want everyone in my office to wonder what was going on if it was bad news and I completely fell apart. But Dr. Z said those magical words I'd been hoping to hear... "You are pregnant." I almost collapsed with relief. Literally. I had to sit down on the curb. He wanted me to come in two days later for some more blood work, because the HCG level (pregnancy hormone) was lower than he expected. At the time, this did not register with me as a concern. I was PREGNANT!!! We did it! Life is good... I went out and bought an expensive book called "Your Pregnancy" and another book for expecting dads. I inscribed a message to Dave about how I knew he would be such a wonderful dad, and saved the book to give him for our upcoming wedding anniversary. I was dying to tell someone about our good news, but I knew that it might be best to wait until we were past the danger zone. The next two days, nothing could diminish my happiness. My next check up revealed that my HCG level had doubled, which was an excellent sign.

And then on Thursday I found out that Stan had an inoperable brain tumor and the doctors estimated he had 3 to 6 months to live. I was losing my dad and he wouldn't get to meet our baby. Dave and I decided that we should tell my immediate family that weekend. We drove to Tucson on Saturday and revealed to my mom, sister, and Stan that I was pregnant. Everyone was overjoyed! Finally something to be happy and grateful for amidst the sadness.

Tuesday was our wedding anniversary. I went in for another check-up in the morning and received a call later that day from the doctor's office. She told me that my "levels had dropped" and Dr. Z wanted me to stop all medications (progesterone shots in the ass, suppositories, baby aspirin, etc) and come back on Friday to confirm. I didn't understand what was happening and struggled to ask the right questions. The woman seemed in a hurry to get off the phone and rather impatient with my questions. I finally managed to say, "Are you telling me that I am going to have a miscarriage?" Her response was, "Well it's not really a miscarriage since it was probably just a chemical pregnancy anyway." I had never heard this term before and still didn't understand until she finally said, "You'll start your period in a few days." Apparently a chemical pregnancy refers to one that terminates extremely early on.

I don't know how I got through the rest of that day but I did. I came home to Dave and just wept in his arms. We went ahead and exchanged anniversary presents. I don't know what ever happened to the book I gave him. I still have that book I bought for myself. I keep it buried in my pajama drawer.

So that was October 16th. I did go back on Friday for a blood draw and they confirmed what I already knew. Baby de-Lathrop was gone. I was no longer pregnant. Telling my mom was almost as horrible as finding out for myself.

On November 18th, Stan passed away, and I could not even think about trying to conceive for several months. I just had to get through those horrible holidays. Everywhere I looked, there were reminders of my loss. The baby section at Target... the invitations to other people's baby showers... moms in grocery stores with their babies in their shopping carts. A woman that I've known for many years refused to let me hold her baby because she was afraid I might hurt him. I know that she was just a new, overprotective, slightly crazy mom, but I cried every time I remembered that incident for over a year. Volunteering at the Child Crisis Center was, and still is, cathartic for me- I got to hold those babies and kiss their sweet little cheeks.

In January we went back to see Dr. Z for a follow up. I didn't mention to him how horrible his employee had made me feel. He was full of optimism and outlined the adjustments he would recommend if we wanted to try again. Basically just different dosages of the drugs. He also recommended I try acupuncture, which has been know to improve fertility. I started seeing Dr. S, who introduced me to the wonderful world of acupuncture. It doesn't hurt at all and after a one hour session I felt like I'd gotten a full night's deeply restful sleep. I continued with acupuncture treatments until a couple of months ago, when I decided it was finally time to stop "trying."

In April 2008 we decided to try Round Two of in-vitro fertilization. More injections, more drugs, more money down the toilet, and this time I didn't get pregnant again. I haven't gone back to see Dr. Z, although I know he wanted to have a follow up visit. I don't think I'll ever set foot in that office again.

In June we decided that adoption was the path for us and began the journey to get certified. It took some time to get over the pain and loss of infertility, but I am finally through that phase. The tiny spark of hope is not completely extinguished, but now I'm living a normal life, free of obsession. I don't even know what cycle day I'm on right now! I no longer feel a twist of bitter envy every time I see a pregnant woman. I still don't feel the need to attend a baby shower this Saturday, the day after my two-year miscarriage anniversary, but then again, I never did like baby showers anyway...

So there you are. The back story. In case you were wondering...