I know it's been a while since I wrote here. That's because nothing has really been happening, until this week. I got the call for Red File #4 on Monday, 56 days after the last Red File call. So I guess Mom was the winner of the guessing game. Her prediction was Sept. 28th and she was off by exactly a week.
This time it was a little boy named Kayden, age 1.5. The Red File was today and we did not get picked. Again, they chose a family with a stay at home mom. I am sad and beginning to feel that this may never happen for us.
We didn't share the news immediately because my mom was leaving for Africa yesterday on a fabulous safari adventure and we didn't want her to be stressed out or sad if we didn't get picked, and have it put a damper on this trip she's been looking forward to. We figured if the news was good, we could share it with her as a homecoming surprise. I really miss my mom and all the sad things that have happened over the past two years are coming up for me again... Stan's illness and death, the miscarriage, Dante getting killed by a car.
I ripped down my Request to the Universe poster. I can't stand to look at that thing in my kitchen every day. The Universe has failed me. The usual ways that I cheer myself up are not working. I am going to go to bed and see if sleep will renew me and if the morning brings fresh hope.
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Dearest,
ReplyDeleteHuman desire to find a reason is a natural extension of our assumption that we live in a logical world. Many things simply don't have reasons, yet we seek them out, and failing to find a "good reason" for a particular predicament we become indignant, disillusioned, or simply crushed. It is always so much easier to understand our own good fortune than our bad fortune. I wish I knew what lay ahead for you. I wish there were a formula for all this. Mostly, I wish that you will be able to find some peace as you continue on this journey to become a mom. Love you -MFB
I, too, wish you peace as you continue on this journey. It is a journey of ups and downs for sure. I think that prepares you for all the ups and downs having children brings. You will be a mom one day. The timing just isn't to your liking. Remind yourself daily of all the blessing you Do have and hopefully that will get you through.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Joanne
Yah it sucks. I wish I had some pearls of wisdom... but there aren't any that don't make you want to throw drinks at the computer screen.
ReplyDeleteThere isn't one thing that works to keep you going, but you will find something.