Today's Epiphany

I came down to Tucson today (with the V's, of course) for a birthday party for my cousin's little boy, who just turned 3 and is about 6 weeks older than Valentino. The three of us are spending the night at my mom's house, which we've done several times before. I went through the usual bedtime routine of bath, lotion, story time, and singing songs to my little boy, but he would not go to sleep. It was 8:30 and he is normally out like a light by 7:00 or 7:30 at the latest. I don't know if it was the excitement of the party, the fact that he slept for an hour in the car on the way here, or the somewhat unfamiliar surroundings of Nana's house- or all of the above- but nothing I was doing was working. So I decided to try and get Victoria to sleep instead. She, too, was completely uncooperative. I could feel the tension rising in my body and as the minutes ticked away, I got more and more irritated.

In my old (pre-kid) life, I really loved my evenings with my husband. We'd relax and watch a pre-recorded TV program, taking great joy in fast-forwarding past the commercials. We walked the dogs together and talked about our day and our plans and our feelings. We ate ice cream. We went on shopping excursions to (yes, you guessed it) Target. This may sound silly, but I really loved those trips to Target. Dave always likes to make a loop around the entire store. We would admire certain products that we couldn't afford and perhaps buy ourselves one that we could. We would discuss ideas for home improvements. We'd make silly jokes and laugh and play the guessing game of how much the total would be at the register.

Now, our evenings are very different. Dave walks the dogs by himself, since we obviously can't leave the kids alone. Shopping trips to Target take place during the day and not with each other. We often forego ice cream in favor of sleep. But still, I cherish those couple of hours after the V's are asleep and I get to be with Dave, just the two of us again. Getting them to sleep on time is a high priority for me.

And tonight at my mom's house, I wanted the babies to go to sleep so that I could have a cup of tea and talk to my mom. I wanted to relax in the living room where I grew up, without worrying about what cherished item the children would be breaking next. And they refused to go to sleep. I felt they were robbing me of my precious time with my mom. At 8:50, I decided to use the car seat method and packed both kids into the car. As I was carrying Tino to the car, he pointed to the sky and said, "Look, Mommy, stars!" This gave me pause. Rather than being annoyed with my children for staying awake, I thought, I should take a moment to appreciate the beauty of the night sky. There are a lot more stars visible in Tucson than in Phoenix. But I just couldn't appreciate the stars. All I could think about was how far I would have to drive before they would both be asleep.

So I started driving. After about 10 minutes, Victoria was out. Tino was still awake though, and being very sweet and considerate. "Mommy," he would whisper, so as to not disturb his sister, "Want to go home." The night was so beautiful and I was listening to some really good music on the radio. I remembered that I really like driving in the desert at night. It was then that I finally had my epiphany. Here I was trying to get my children to go to sleep so that I could get back to "my life." And the epiphany was this:

This. Is. My. Life.

This is my life. I have two beautiful, healthy, happy children. The dream that I have dreamed for so many years has come true. If my son is awake, then I will cherish my time with him. So I turned the car around and headed back home. On the way back, I saw a rattlesnake curled up in the road and thought this would be a special moment for Tino to see this creature in the wild. So I stopped a safe distance away with my headlights trained on the snake and I asked him, "Tino, do you want to see a snake?" He did. I lifted him out of his car seat and I held him in my arms and we watched the snake for a few minutes. Then we went home, and after putting Victoria to bed, I went outside on my mom's porch and we drank a cup of tea together. Tino sat on my lap, snuggled up under a blanket. We watched the city lights. We sang songs for my little boy. And at 10:00, he said, "Mommy, go bed." So I carried him to bed and he fell asleep instantly. Earlier, in the car, he told me, "I have fun today." My heart is so full of love for this child. This is my life. And life is... sweeter than a ladoo.