What To Say Or Ask...

I get the feeling that people feel a bit awkward or unsure about how to approach me on the topic of adoption and/or infertility. I suppose I haven't been very approachable in the past. At first, I just didn't want to make my whole life about having a baby. I figured it would happen when it happened and people would all be happily surprised for us when we made the big announcement that I was pregnant. I really didn't feel like having endless conversations on the anatomical details of TTGP.

Then when we were going through infertility testing and treatment, I felt very private about that too. I began to feel inadequate or defective. I was ashamed of my inability to conceive. All around me, women were getting pregnant and having babies and I felt that there was something wrong with me. Of course I didn't want to broadcast this news to the world. After all, my life until this point has gone mostly according to plan. Listened to my parents... graduated from high school with honors... went to an excellent college... learned a second language... worked hard to build a successful career... bought a house... found a wonderful guy and married him... But this! Infertility? I saw this as a tremendous failure in my execution of the master plan.

So we decided to adopt. But I still wasn't going to be very open about why or how we came to that decision. I was going to deal with this on my own, by golly. (By golly? Did I just write that? Am I really going to publish that expression?)

Then I took this fantastic class at Landmark Education (Communication Course) and I had an insight that has changed my life. While I'm sure this seems perfectly obvious to everyone on the outside, I didn't realize until that point that infertility is not a defect, it's a medical condition. Is a person with diabetes or a missing limb or allergies defective? Of course not! And neither am I. This doesn't take away the pain of everything I've gone through, but it gave me the freedom to begin to share my experience with my loved ones. And now I'm posting my intimate feelings online for the world to see. I discover that the more frequently I share with people, the more the pain seems to dissipate. This was similar to when Stan passed away. Before I went through that, I never quite knew what to say to people who had experienced the death of a loved one. Now I know. It heals my heart to talk about feelings, and talking about Stan keeps his memory alive for me.

So if you are feeling awkward and unsure of what to say to me... here are some quick suggestions:

1. Go ahead and ask me anything you want... about the adoption, the miscarriage, the waiting... It is okay to talk about it.

2. If you have feelings about our situation, feel free to express yourself.

3. Express hope, joy and anticipation about our plans to build our family.

4. Don't worry that talking about other people's babies, pregnancies, or adoptions will make me feel bad. Sometimes I do feel a little bit of sadness and envy, but I want to live a normal life. Normal life includes being around families. I will take care of myself when I need to. This might mean that sometimes I'm not up for attending a baby shower. Please respect my decisions on this. But don't walk around on eggshells.

5. Go ahead and post a comment on the blog. It's not difficult to do. Just click on Comments below the post and follow the steps. Very easy to do.

Looking forward to all the conversations...