Ramblings About Private Adoption

What is private adoption, and why aren't we doing it?

Well... let's see. Where do I start with this?

Disclaimer to any readers who have done or are planning to do a private adoption:

This is not meant to be a criticism of your choices, or even of the practice of private adoption in general. It's simply my thoughts and fears of embarking on this process. Private adoption can be a wonderful, miraculous experience for all parties. We may end up doing it ourselves.

So...

Private adoption occurs when a pregnant mother-to-be chooses a family to adopt her baby and they legalize the adoption through a non-publicly funded agency or law firm, as opposed to what we are currently pursuing through the state foster care system. If we adopt through the state, the entire process will be funded and managed by government agencies.

The big advantage of private adoption as most people see it, is that you get to adopt an infant. Typically the adoptive couple shows up at the hospital when the birth mother delivers the baby, and they get to take the baby home as soon as he/she is released from the hospital. In Arizona, the birth mother signs the adoption paperwork after three days and by doing so, formally relinquishes the baby to the adoptive parents.

So why on earth wouldn't we want to pursue this? Wouldn't it be better to get an infant, who we would know from day one of his/her life? A child who would never have a memory of a traumatic past?

For Dave, I think his biggest fear is not knowing what kind of pre-natal care the child received. Did the birth mother smoke? Did she drink? Take drugs? Did she have proper nutrition during the pregnancy? Did she take pre-natal vitamins? In many cases, there really is no way to know. We know a couple who adopted a seemingly healthy infant and at the age of three months, the baby started having seizures. When you adopt a two or three year old, you have a much better understanding of the child's medical issues/needs.

For me, I am mostly afraid of having my heart broken one more time. In about ten percent of cases, birth mothers change their minds after having the baby, and after waiting for months and preparing to bring home their baby, the adoptive couple comes home alone and heartbroken again. I actually have a friend who did this. She was pregnant at 19, did not feel that she could raise a baby, and had gone so far as to select an adoptive family. The family flew out here from California for the birth of the baby, and in the end, my friend decided she just couldn't give him up. In her case, it worked out well. Her son is an adult now, they have a wonderful relationship, and she is infinitely grateful that she chose to raise him. But when I heard this story, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of pain for the family that got back on that plane without a baby. In the foster care system, this can't happen, because by the time an adoptive family has been chosen, the legal rights of the birth family have been severed.

Of course there is the money. The cost of a private adoption runs from $20,000 and up. There is a big tax credit that can offset this, but it's still a substantial chunk of change. I have heard stories of people that are still in adoption debt years after adopting their child. I don't think I could live with myself if I let money be the reason we never have children- so we will have to overcome this obstacle. But that's not to say it doesn't worry me.

And I worry about the birth mother. How did she arrive at the agonizing decision to place her baby for adoption? To allow strangers to raise her child? Was she pressured into the decision by her family or others who disapproved of her pregnancy? Was it truly her decision? Will she regret it later in life? What kind of contact will she want to have with us? Will I be comfortable with it?

And despite all this, we are considering this as our next step on the journey toward parenthood. We decided that we'd give the foster care system at least a year, so that means we are going to stick it out until February. We got certified on Jan. 29. Something tells me that we will be called for another Red File in January. And if that one doesn't work out, I don't see any reason to pull our file off the registry. We'll just simultaneously pursue both private and foster care adoption, and see which one comes through first. Maybe 2010 will be our year.